Girlfriends

When I was in college we used to go on leadership retreats. Which when translated meant "Drunkfest with little supervision at Beaver Creek ski resort". My goodness the things that a good Catholic College will teach you. Sure there was plenty of alcohol, but there was also a lot of talking and debating and joke telling and laying around in your PJ's and just being... you. I think about those times and truly miss my leadership buds, but especially my girlfriends.

Recently I met up with some of my girlfriends. We laughed and cried and seemed to regress to about the age of 16. I've lived away from home and my home state for 13 years and as a result away from a good portion of my friends. But this was a chance to hang out with friends and be someone other than a role of mommy.

It's easy to get swept up into the everyday responsibilities of chasing three children and a husband (and yes at times I do raise the husband too) and a dog and trying to maintain the illusion of a career. Then of course there is a house. A house that I'm grateful to have but it is like everything else it requires constant attention. I probably sound a bit ungrateful. But really, I think I'm suffering from some sort of re-entry-into-whatismylife-itis.

When you are in the full rhythm of the daily grind and shake it's easy to forget that you have friends or that you had a life before you had a husband, dog, kids and house in whatever order. And it's easy to forget how much you need friends. Sometimes you convince yourself that you don't have time or that your life is full with soccer games, company dinners, school functions, and a pile of laundry threatening to raise the ceiling. Then there are those quiet moments when you feel the nagging edges of nostalgia for a life before.

My friends are all incredible people who inspire me. They are strong and insightful and wicked smart with the wit to match. My jaw still aches from laughing so hard. We giggled and danced and some even sang. For awhile we were all free to just let go and be irreverent and not worry about judgment or measuring up to an invisible standard that some demand of mothers and that we nearly kill ourselves to reach. But it is a phantom, a mirage that no person can attain. We need friends to help remind us that our worth is weighed not in hours volunteered or cookies baked or miles driven.

Reconnecting with friends or even meeting new ones seems to blow away the fog of illusion that mothers’ don't need their own social circle. We do. I do. Going out with friends, besides being an assault on my liver that reminds me I am not 23 anymore, recharges me and helps me remember “me”. I am more than a chauffer, maid, dog walker, grocery gathering matron, and private detective for every misplaced item. There is more to me. I am an artist. I love to write. I like photography. I enjoy telling stories. I cook for fun. I like to be silly. I like to sleep in past 6:30 AM, damnit! It's always a little humorous when I rediscover parts of me that I didn't even realize were missing.

Here's the thing, I don’t think that I’m alone or the only mother/woman who feels this way. I think I saw the same thing in my girlfriends; little moments when you could see the flash of self recognition as we reconnected with each other and ourselves.

I came home to a sick child, husband and dog. I opened the refrigerator to find every brand of take out in a 30 mile radius and a house that looked like two tornados had hit. As I started to clean up, make soup and serial call for doctor’s appointments, the inner 16 year old in me said, “Ah, yeah… gotta split. Have fun and next time you hook up with those friends of yours give me a call." She can be such a brat but she and my friends gave me a gift... I am writing again.